listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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