I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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