My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
