he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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