I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My balls are so social today.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
