I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
