You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
