I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
