last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
