wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
