The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
