dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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