remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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