dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
