and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
