Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
