So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
