so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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