I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
