Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
