i need an iv and a liver transplant
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
