I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
