Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
