So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
