I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize