Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
