I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
