Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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