The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You did what with his pubic hair?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
