OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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