I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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