Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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