i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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