remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
