you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
