dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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