Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
