My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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