my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize