life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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