I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
