too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
