You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
