He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
