this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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