Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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