Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize