A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
