Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
