I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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