i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
