Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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