Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
