So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
