I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
