Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
