The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
