dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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