I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
MIDGETS
????
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
