Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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