my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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