I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
