I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
