She is in my trunk
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
