We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
