Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
