I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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