You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
